2003-01-17 - 9:15 a.m.

I seem to be coming to a place of greater peace, which is good. Being angry gets old. That's not to say that I may not fly off the handle again at a moment's notice, but the average is better.

Part of this is my beloved, who is about the most soothing and calm person I know. He takes good care of me and keeps me more centered than usual. Hooray for the PS!

Part of it, gackly as it is to admit, is regular brutal physical exercise. Ugh. Although sometime around Wednesday I pinched something in my back/shoulder, which made my right arm variously tingly and numb, and made turning my head hard, and made working out impossible. Pooh. So *must* go to the gym tonight.

And part of it has been a long-in-coming realization that the SCA-as-I- want-it-to-be doesn't exist. I'm sorry for all the angst I've put everyone through as I figured this out. Props to everyone who put up with me during the often-painful discovery process, and who is willing to continue putting up with me as I figure out what I'm going to do about it.

So, my realizations:

SCA awards will be given whether I want them to happen or not. People will be butt-heads and (successful) ass-kissers regardless. People I have no respect for will win Crown, and do as they like (just like in the real Middle Ages! I have often thought that I'm too much of a democrat or a meritocrat to be in the SCA, and maybe that's true....)

Unfortunately, most of the enjoyment I gained from an organization that I've spent 22 years on has been spoiled. But as Anne says, that's a choice I've made to let it be spoiled. So I'm working on deciding whether to continue in the SCA (which means getting back to enjoying it or at least ceasing to whine about why it isn't the way I want it to be) or surrendering to my rage and frustration and going and finding something else to do with my time.

But I feel better for having nailed down my frustration, so now to figure out what to do.

Later, all....

�

previous - next

�