2001-06-05 - 1:39 p.m.

Pondering and pondering. I promised some introspection, but then I got a bit of it out of my system talking to friends. And it really turned out that Double Wars wasn't as horrible a debacle as I'd thought.

In my saner and calmer moments, it's better to be friends with people than "involved". Involvement always leads to pain, and there's enough of that without asking for more. A calmer (and currently happily involved ) friend reminded me that perhaps being turned down gives me a chance to contemplate my life as a woman not defined by who she dates or who she sleeps with.

I'd like to think I'm already there, to some degree. (Face it, it's been a while since I was dating....) Aside from some vagaries of life (okay, and my frustration with weight loss), I'm really pretty happy with my life. I wonder often whether I'd be happier "with" someone, but then I spend a little while observing other people interacting and think perhaps not.

Anyhow, I'm glad to be friends with the guys who turned me down at Double Wars, and I guess I didn't make as big an idiot of myself as I might have. It gave me a chance to learn a lot of lessons about how I react to various sorts of stress (not knowing people, being lonely, being bored, not being involved enough, having lots of time to think about other stuff, like my brother) and I didn't (I hope) make any irreparable mistakes.

Plus I lost weight at Double Wars on the Don't Provide Dinner mealplan!

So I can't really complain, especially with such great friends as I have. Props to my peeps, as Gen would say!

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